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You never really realize how great something you have is until you lose it, do you? I've been foolish and have yet to realize what more challenges life has in store for me. But the things I have learned have begun to change me. Life is full of the unexpected, it can be in your favor at one point and against you at another. What really causes all of this? All mistakes in life have some sort of cause that leads to it.
Tears again. What's with the tears? I want this. I need this. Even through the numbness, I feel my own fear of what, if anything, awaits me on the other side of this failed experiment everyone so romantically refers to as life. The way I figure it, depending on how the afterlife pans out, dying only really means one of two things: A fresh start or some peace and quiet. I suppose there's also the chance of an eternity frolicking in the clouds or sucking Satan's greasy cock while being roasted over a lake of fire. If religion's your scene, of course. I don't go in for that stuff, not anymore.
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| It's a Saturday night and I'm writing this with a heart as heavy and cold as Mount Everest.
Sometimes I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and wondering if everything's a dream. Then I check the time, and the things. And I realize everything's as real as the pain I'm feeling. No one really understands. When they say everything's gonna be okay, I want to scream at them. I want to scream at em real loud till it gets to em, that it will never, ever be okay. I don't know how I'm dealing with death.
I miss him. More than you know.
Nobody knows, but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your
life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.
I don't wanna think about it, but I do, and when I do, the saline never ends.
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| I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
Will be heading to Mickal's next week for another sitting. God that is therapy, and i need some therapy.
And I sorta felt my heart crack a bit last week. Luckily it didn't break.
I'll update soon.
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Because you are the first person I want to look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only person I want to kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them.
It's those moments when you hang around in a room full of friends, where you gasp for breath between each laugh. It's those moments where you get high off just breathing in so deep, you feel your lungs getting cold.
For a second, that split second, you don't care. You don't care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. Cause it's all we really need, isn't it?
Those kids next to you. Yeah, the ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points.
Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much
we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person; it just means your heart's too big.
Happy New Yearrr 
Oh Jayden's out and everyone's safe!!!
Good times ahead xx
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